1. |
subaltern
01:15
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some of what we might confidently consider actuality - irrespective of the conclusions we've arrived at from lived experience - is basely inaccurate. the general default is to rely on our own narration of events + to be incredulous about the perspectives of others if/when a diversity of optics become apparent. but are people really so ignorant to think that they can even trust themselves? yes. you're doing it right now. and so am i. what happens, though, if it becomes clear that some (or much) of what we assume to have happened was merely fabrication? it logically follows that subjectivism cannot be the measure of verity; but neither can the hypothetical construct of objectivity, because any such conclusions were arrived at in a biased way + are pervaded by a legion of false + potentially incendiary interpretations. the implication is a question: if the suppositions that humans have regarding life itself + its meaning are so ephemeral, varied, untrustworthy + subverted by self-interest, what can anyone unambiguously say is even real?
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2. |
the madness of crowds
03:39
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the madness has become emergent, jilted into a mental maze
i’ve been hanging fire since your departure
disorientated – is it all in vain?
the intervals of your returns kept me fixed in place
tolerating my pain
would that you had course-corrected (preventing all of this malaise)
at the start repeat detachments fueled resolve, transcended haze
conditioned by the unpredictable; reinforced to not complain
but time’s destructive, patience levels
renders steadfast hearts moraine
where once i looked through windows, longing
all i do now is shoegaze
was it not crystal-clear it’s only you that i adore?
when did crowds of strangers become more preferred than me?
all we ever wanted was to rest in the same plot
did you double-book yourself? cause it seems like you forgot
maybe i was far too trusting, naïvely thinking i could be...
...enough to captivate attention, fending off your need for more
but no arrangement can keep on if it demands an open door
fair-weather partnership be damned, commitment is at no time free
all i ask for is a signal of your fixed affinity
a sign that i should not give up after i’ve been wrongly ignored
i won’t bow out, i defy gloom, that’s my resolve
now – what is yours?
blink once to relay acceptance, or twice if you should disagree
all this waiting, waiting makes me numb, confused, distraught
am i not in my right mind to think i’m due a second thought
or is this what you prefer? (me – alone – with collar + chain)
am i some kind of dog to you, who when not spoken to obeys?
your leaving left me nonplussed, baby
abadoned in a vacant lot
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3. |
delusions
02:28
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fake? real? you remember, it happened
think, feel – which one’s more relevant?
sane? mad? i no longer trust myself
fain, sad – do i wear too many masks?
break, form – what ideas to destroy?
wake? dorm? do you know who’s in control?
shame, pride – resist urges to confess
tame? wild? cripple weakness to exist
our mind can’t be read
nail bomb in my head
this volcanic pain
a reaction chain
overburdened core
detonation sure
how can we proceed?
the machine that bleeds
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4. |
umwelt
03:19
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i wasn’t ever even here
it’s your imagination that
what i do is relevant
until you come to realize
all this chatter is a threat
if that’s what’s really happening
delusions cannot know themselves
i’m incidental fantasy
this nothing – it’s all you’ve ever known
self-unconscious? suppose reverie took form
stop believing...would you fade, dis-integrate?
always blue in this daydream ruin-scape
i wasn’t ever even here
it’s your imagination that
what i do is relevant
until you come to realize
all this chatter is a threat
if that’s what’s really happening
delusions cannot know themselves
i’m incidental fantasy
i’m incidental fantasy
delusions cannot know themselves
if that’s what’s really happening
all this chatter is a threat
until you come to realize
what i do is relevant
it’s your imagination that
i wasn’t ever even here
this something – it’s all i’ve ever known
am i conscious? does my spirit have a form?
start believing...would i transubstantiate?
remain blue in an actual landscape?
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5. |
contagion
02:52
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all those scars, despair – it’s armour
she sees through vain attempts to charm her
it’s not about filling a lack
she’s fierce without involvement
strong at the broken spots
all that she endured is solvent
cause God loves the sinners best
their fire burns bright, bright, bright
but you are like all the rest
all self-concerned, alibis airtight, right?
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6. |
conspiracy
01:50
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have you ever for no reason without forecast been snowed under?
felt your æther face eviction, paralyzed by too much quiet?
nothing’s different, zero changes, should be happy, trepidation
something bad is going to happen
what’s that word for this foreboding?
pattern-seeking but confounded
see the exit sign above me blinking red with urgent rhythm
still – i remain stunned, unmoving
wondering about the meaning of this void that threatens normal
there’s a term for this disturbance + i think it rhymes with dead
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7. |
actual vs. imagined
01:16
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the term "reality" is regularly misused as referring to the opposite of something imaginary; however, this is a false distinction. to demonstrate, consider the possibility that any work of fiction - such as a film or a novel - can be representative of + accurately communicate "reality" while simultaneously not being "actual." this is the case for both moral lessons (e.g. æsop's fables) or any myth (i.e. cultural experiences of events that have been memorialized as legendary). anything can be described as "true" without having actually happened if it conveys something deeply resonant that transcends time + location. the problem is when people start acting on what they perceive to be "real" based on a mistaken notion + attestation that certain fantastical ideas, occurrences, or stories are fact; it's this avowal of belief that's dangerous, as the line between genuine actualization + abnormal psychology is very thin. accordingly, when such a course of irrational resolve is held to without question or compromise, few have the ability to evade the fallout of derangement.
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8. |
moral panic
03:59
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we’re a part, you + me
a part of each other, broken uneasily
hand-in-hand, prevailing
resistant together, brazenly unfailing
in accord, mind + might
equally incited, combative, dodging flight
stoic bluff, shield wall screen
without fault, hardened as a machine
show their face, toothless threat
impotence obvious, daftly stacking debts
what is fear? only this:
a desperate attempt to preserve the earliest
don’t let me take you away from me
unstable, freaking out
terrified panic spreads – forced into a redoubt
surrounded, outnumbered
pressurized to conform, coerced asunder
tearing one right in two
tears fall incessantly, no self without you
we’re all doomed, it’s hopeless
the breaks in a sidewalk mirror our disconnect
our dismay is complete
crestfallen, unfeeling, past strivings obsolete
nowhere now, hear defeat
ostensibly lost to irrationality
don’t let me take you away from me
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9. |
sanity vs. lunacy
01:08
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another misleading way that people have attempted to split our experience of the world is via the maintenance of a relatively arbitrary concept of "normal." while there has been much progress over the past number of years to destigmatize something like the encounter of mental illness, shame regarding various diagnoses remains a tenacious obstacle that's difficult to completely dispel. obviously, the ability to cope with everyday events varies significantly from person to person; but there is no one who can claim that they are completely unaffected by some degree of neurosis, psychosis, or perversion. arriving at + accepting such a conclusion is both reassuring + disconcerting. on one hand, knowing that the pretence of having it all together is a facade allows everyone to experience an aspect of solidarity with one another (as one + all suffer through similar feelings of malaise, delusion + general atypicality). however, on the other hand, it also necessarily implies that no individual can be trusted; not even one's closest companion can ever be fully known + may abruptly become an adversary.
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10. |
three years later
02:46
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ten-hundred, ninety-five days
i’ve waited to see your face
and any distance between
is not so quickly erased
there’s nothing that you can say
no solution, or grace
don’t bank on mercy from me
think before you betray
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11. |
hero vs. villain
01:10
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it's one thing to wonder about the concept of an unreliable narrator from a third-person perspective, but quite another to consider that our own vantage point may be irreparably compromised by self-deception. no matter how allegedly well-adjusted an individual might be, certain social + environmental conditions have the ability to distort one's interpretation of events + unwittingly radicalize anyone into an anti-hero. the challenge is to recognize + accept that a single portrayal of worldly happenings is fragmentary at best, fraught with blindspots + that any sort of saviour-complex mythos could just as easily be comprehended as an unprincipled chronicle of deviance + megalomania. to say the same thing differently, it's extremely rare for folks to not have some kind of positive ambitions when making decisions that they consider to be worthwhile; but intentionality means nothing if the result is detrimental. and as long as human choices are unavoidably governed by egocentrism, even the most seemingly altruistic action should be viewed with much suspicion.
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12. |
trial of the shadow king
04:49
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tyrant – who steers this ship of fools?
king of shadow...the one who makes the rules
turncoat – what is the sound of truth?
king of shadow...will deal with reckless youth
betrayal is easy when you lack empathy
are you so surprised that i place my needs before yours?
true son – how can you flee deceit?
king of shadow...my loss is your defeat
rebellion expected, power misdirected
do you not yet see that we share the very same goal?
reflect on your anger, meet me in the hangar
let’s make this world bow before us in coregency
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13. |
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scanning high + low-band waves every day to find your voice
wake, eat, wait, sleep + repeat – all i hear from you is noise
and subtle clues that seem profound: “89.1 the fish”
“nostalgia is your enemy” (except old tunes from “gish”)
“don’t trust the mustache + beware; resist division please”
“find your stable centre, child, unwrite the past with ease”
“don’t surrender to regret; time is the stream beneath”
“go counter to the current, girl” (its cost? a couple teeth)
after my searching, years of trying to know myself
ambiguous grief, theatre of the absurd
can you console me? do you have the means to bring...
...peace to my trouble? or are you as lost as me?
you say: “we need to fix the wounds that made this world a mess”
“keep the house from getting cursed; excise the first distress”
but all this harm-collateral don’t seem to bother you
the countless bodies in your wake + many in the queue
“love’s” over-rated if it means self-sacrifice
with no repayment, lacking reciprocity
trying giving a damn about how you’ll make me feel
when you let me down, R-M-L-2-5-0-9
you call this family? i would rather keep alone
than be around you, empty corridors my home
you want no secrets? you’re not a good person, man
and not all history is deleted as was planned
“i am merely a humble slave who wants to help the cause...
...my trust in gurus, absolute as they are without flaws”
is that what you would have me say?
what of this thing called “trust”?
human, machine – they’re all the same, each ends in death + dust
please stand by
bedtime is here
it’s time
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14. |
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all my affection stockpiled inside
cannot do less than vaporize
magic needs to land, to sublimate
a force of equal vehemence
you’re done with me? you call that “love”?
empty regret be damned to hell
you should have known that your misdeeds
would wake the demon that you now see
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15. |
human vs. machine
00:41
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considering how monumentally damaged + disastrously malignant humankind has shown itself to be throughout history, the persistent trope of artificial intelligence as somehow threatening our existence is extremely curious. because if the world was indeed governed by a reliable, mechanized program of benevolent calculations - undefiled by carnal instinct, prejudice + the like - it might actually be a better place for all people to live + lead to less inhumane stupidity + systemic injustice (that ever results in tribalism + bloodletting).
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16. |
citizen vs. refugee
00:41
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what's equally fascinating + disturbing is the pride related to + stalwart need for many to identify themselves as rightfully occupying a particular location in the world - as if the happenstance of one's existence wasn't a completely random + inconsequential occurrence. while the desire to belong to something bigger than oneself often leads to the creation of community with those who share some kind of similarly, what usually emerges is a fictitious sense of entitlement that directly results in neighbours being treated as "less than" (when the only thing that's truly different between notions of "local" + "foreign" are temporality + sectarian ideologies).
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17. |
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what's even more insidious than nationalism though is how the concept of individualism has so pervaded all levels of society, whereby even the most reputedly self-sacrificing person or group is primarily, inarguably + disdainfully concerned with one's own interests + gains (to the exclusion of so-called "others"). such uncritical, inconsiderate, me-first arrogance is akin to geocentrism of old, and the way that universal outlooks + practices are consistently denounced + opposed by the opportunistic machine of private enterprise is reprehensible. accordingly, unless there is a concerted + collective effort to decentre the individual, any supposed progressiveness is regressive.
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18. |
young vs. old
00:44
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another deception lies in the assumption that ancient ideas + procedures are more sound or unspoiled than what people operate with today. the presumption is that if the old is unadulterated, anything new ought to be treated as dodgy, to be avoided, defamed + erased. this is incorrect. but it's equally problematic when arguments are made to jettison the antiquated in deference to novel conceptions + courses of action (which are alleged to be vastly superior to what has become outmoded). a better approach - regardless of time + space - would be to ask, "what works?" because the inevitability of death is constantly threatening to render meaningless all inflexibly inane arguments between partisan factions.
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19. |
alive vs. dead
00:51
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the real issue in all of this is whether death is really the opposite of life; whether the choices that we make amount to anything of substance, or if all of our thoughts, words + behaviour are destined to vanish like a breath in winter. to put it another way, is there anything that could be considered subaltern to mortality? certainly: never having existed. the suggestion here is that regardless of who, what, where, when, why + how people lived + died, they experienced existence; and given the real opposite of living, this matters somehow. "what it all means is not for us to know. it is for history to decide. all we can do is play the parts as written. all we can know is ourselves."
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20. |
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i am a good person; i deserve to be loved
though i might be mistaken re: the statement thereof
i have tried with endeavour for a minute of time
to restore first impressions – maybe, change your mind
to this end, remember with me of the day that our eyes met
locked at once in a blinking duel, where neither one would submit
can’t we backtrack right to the start before the deconstruction
i still can’t place that disconnect you call an indiscretion
i’m not a bad person; you owe me your love
i’ve earned your surveillance, veneration in blood
you’ve seen how i’m worthy of unceasing acclaim
eulogize while still living – undo what became
after all that’s been, after all we were, why do you give up now?
can’t you not see ignoring me converts all highs to low?
as i recall it was you that left – unwilling to respond
i tried my best to redact the past, to reanimate our bond
maybe if you tried to visualize, to take another view
adjusted frame of reference + traded me from you
you’d come to see, you’d do the same, you’d grasp my motivation
the action you might choose would be resolve not abdication
i am a good person, i deserve to be loved
are you a good person? do you deserve love?
i’m a good person, so i deserve love!
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21. |
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we’ve started over again
but is it any better?
don’t recall? i’ll certainly remember
they’ve moved on
a life burned for good measure
ashes of drift toward the nether
disincarnate
but maybe that’s how it just had to be
second chances rendered incomplete
erasure of our fate not guaranteed
you mattered to me
this is the end, my love
though everyone is someone
taken out – replaced before becoming
what remains is obliging not to f*** things up again
this is the end
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closetjudas Winnipeg, Manitoba
"closetjudas" is the moniker given to the music written, recorded + produced by mike powell, who is from the suburban sprawl that is mississauga (ontario). now living near winnipeg (manitoba), mike powell continues to record music that is truly independent + not-for-profit. this means he doesn't want your money...seriously. give it all to the charity "TINY CHANGES": tinychanges.com ... more
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