1. |
the madness of crowds
03:39
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the madness has become emergent, jilted into a mental maze
i’ve been hanging fire since your departure
disorientated – is it all in vain?
the intervals of your returns kept me fixed in place
tolerating my pain
would that you had course-corrected (preventing all of this malaise)
at the start repeat detachments fueled resolve, transcended haze
conditioned by the unpredictable; reinforced to not complain
but time’s destructive, patience levels
renders steadfast hearts moraine
where once i looked through windows, longing
all i do now is shoegaze
was it not crystal-clear it’s only you that i adore?
when did crowds of strangers become more preferred than me?
all we ever wanted was to rest in the same plot
did you double-book yourself? cause it seems like you forgot
maybe i was far too trusting, naïvely thinking i could be...
...enough to captivate attention, fending off your need for more
but no arrangement can keep on if it demands an open door
fair-weather partnership be damned, commitment is at no time free
all i ask for is a signal of your fixed affinity
a sign that i should not give up after i’ve been wrongly ignored
i won’t bow out, i defy gloom, that’s my resolve
now – what is yours?
blink once to relay acceptance, or twice if you should disagree
all this waiting, waiting makes me numb, confused, distraught
am i not in my right mind to think i’m due a second thought
or is this what you prefer? (me – alone – with collar + chain)
am i some kind of dog to you, who when not spoken to obeys?
your leaving left me nonplussed, baby
abadoned in a vacant lot
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2. |
delusions
02:28
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fake? real? you remember, it happened
think, feel – which one’s more relevant?
sane? mad? i no longer trust myself
fain, sad – do i wear too many masks?
break, form – what ideas to destroy?
wake? dorm? do you know who’s in control?
shame, pride – resist urges to confess
tame? wild? cripple weakness to exist
our mind can’t be read
nail bomb in my head
this volcanic pain
a reaction chain
overburdened core
detonation sure
how can we proceed?
the machine that bleeds
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3. |
umwelt
03:19
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i wasn’t ever even here
it’s your imagination that
what i do is relevant
until you come to realize
all this chatter is a threat
if that’s what’s really happening
delusions cannot know themselves
i’m incidental fantasy
this nothing – it’s all you’ve ever known
self-unconscious? suppose reverie took form
stop believing...would you fade, dis-integrate?
always blue in this daydream ruin-scape
i wasn’t ever even here
it’s your imagination that
what i do is relevant
until you come to realize
all this chatter is a threat
if that’s what’s really happening
delusions cannot know themselves
i’m incidental fantasy
i’m incidental fantasy
delusions cannot know themselves
if that’s what’s really happening
all this chatter is a threat
until you come to realize
what i don is relevant
it’s your imagination that
i wasn’t ever even here
this something – it’s all i’ve ever known
am i conscious? does my spirit have a form?
start believing...would i transubstantiate?
remain blue in an actual landscape?
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4. |
contagion
02:52
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all those scars, despair – it’s armour
she sees through vain attempts to charm her
it’s not about filling a lack
she’s fierce without involvement
strong at the broken spots
all that she endured is solvent
cause God loves the sinners best
their fire burns bright, bright, bright
but you are like all the rest
all self-concerned, alibis airtight, right?
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5. |
conspiracy
01:50
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have you ever for no reason without forecast been snowed under?
felt your æther face eviction, paralyzed by too much quiet?
nothing’s different, zero changes, should be happy, trepidation
something bad is going to happen
what’s that word for this foreboding?
pattern-seeking but confounded
see the exit sign above me blinking red with urgent rhythm
still – i remain stunned, unmoving
wondering about the meaning of this void that threatens normal
there’s a term for this disturbance + i think it rhymes with dead
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6. |
moral panic
03:59
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we’re a part, you + me
a part of each other, broken uneasily
hand-in-hand, prevailing
resistant together, brazenly unfailing
in accord, mind + might
equally incited, combative, dodging flight
stoic bluff, shield wall screen
without fault, hardened as a machine
show their face, toothless threat
impotence obvious, daftly stacking debts
what is fear? only this:
a desperate attempt to preserve the earliest
don’t let me take you away from me
unstable, freaking out
terrified panic spreads – forced into a redoubt
surrounded, outnumbered
pressurized to conform, coerced asunder
tearing one right in two
tears fall incessantly, no self without you
we’re all doomed, it’s hopeless
the breaks in a sidewalk mirror our disconnect
our dismay is complete
crestfallen, unfeeling, past strivings obsolete
nowhere now, hear defeat
ostensibly lost to irrationality
don’t let me take you away from me
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7. |
three years later
02:46
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ten-hundred, ninety-five days
i’ve waited to see your face
and any distance between
is not so quickly erased
there’s nothing that you can say
no solution, or grace
don’t bank on mercy from me
think before you betray
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8. |
trial of the shadow king
04:49
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tyrant – who steers this ship of fools?
king of shadow...the one who makes the rules
turncoat – what is the sound of truth?
king of shadow...will deal with reckless youth
betrayal is easy when you lack empathy
are you so surprised that i place my needs before yours?
true son – how can you flee deceit?
king of shadow...my loss is your defeat
rebellion expected, power misdirected
do you not yet see that we share the very same goal?
reflect on your anger, meet me in the hangar
let’s make this world bow before us in coregency
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9. |
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scanning high + low-band waves every day to find your voice
wake, eat, wait, sleep + repeat – all i hear from you is noise
and subtle clues that seem profound: “89.1 the fish”
“nostalgia is your enemy” (except old tunes from “gish”)
“don’t trust the mustache + beware; resist division please”
“find your stable centre, child, unwrite the past with ease”
“don’t surrender to regret; time is the stream beneath”
“go counter to the current, girl” (its cost? a couple teeth)
after my searching, years of trying to know myself
ambiguous grief, theatre of the absurd
can you console me? do you have the means to bring...
...peace to my trouble? or are you as lost as me?
you say: “we need to fix the wounds that made this world a mess”
“keep the house from getting cursed; excise the first distress”
but all this harm-collateral don’t seem to bother you
the countless bodies in your wake + many in the queue
“love’s” over-rated if it means self-sacrifice
with no repayment, lacking reciprocity
trying giving a damn about how you’ll make me feel
when you let me down, R-M-L-2-5-0-9
you call this family? i would rather keep alone
than be around you, empty corridors my home
you want no secrets? you’re not a good person, man
and not all history is deleted as was planned
“i am merely a humble slave who wants to help the cause...
...my trust in gurus, absolute as they are without flaws”
is that what you would have me say?
what of this thing called “trust”?
human, machine – they’re all the same, each ends in death + dust
please stand by
bedtime is here
it’s time
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10. |
||||
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all my affection stockpiled inside
cannot do less than vaporize
magic needs to land, to sublimate
a force of equal vehemence
you’re done with me? you call that “love”?
empty regret be damned to hell
you should have known that your misdeeds
would wake the demon that you now see
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11. |
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i am a good person; i deserve to be loved
though i might be mistaken re: the statement thereof
i have tried with endeavour for a minute of time
to restore first impressions – maybe, change your mind
to this end, remember with me of the day that our eyes met
locked at once in a blinking duel, where neither one would submit
can’t we backtrack right to the start before the deconstruction
i still can’t place that disconnect you call an indiscretion
i’m not a bad person; you owe me your love
i’ve earned your surveillance, veneration in blood
you’ve seen how i’m worthy of unceasing acclaim
eulogize while still living – undo what became
after all that’s been, after all we were, why do you give up now?
can’t you not see ignoring me converts all highs to low?
as i recall it was you that left – unwilling to respond
i tried my best to redact the past, to reanimate our bond
maybe if you tried to visualize, to take another view
adjusted frame of reference + traded me from you
you’d come to see, you’d do the same, you’d grasp my motivation
the action you might choose would be resolve not abdication
i am a good person, i deserve to be loved
are you a good person? do you deserve love?
i’m a good person, so i deserve love!
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12. |
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we’ve started over again
but is it any better?
don’t recall? i’ll certainly remember
they’ve moved on
a life burned for good measure
ashes of drift toward the nether
disincarnate
but maybe that’s how it just had to be
second chances rendered incomplete
erasure of our fate not guaranteed
you mattered to me
this is the end, my love
though everyone is someone
taken out – replaced before becoming
what remains is obliging not to f*** things up again
this is the end
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closetjudas Winnipeg, Manitoba
"closetjudas" is the moniker given to the music written, recorded + produced by mike powell, who is from the suburban sprawl that is mississauga (ontario). now living near winnipeg (manitoba), mike powell continues to record music that is truly independent + not-for-profit. this means he doesn't want your money...seriously. give it all to the charity "TINY CHANGES": tinychanges.com ... more
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